Tag Archives: school

The Stages of Studying For An Exam

After my brutal assault on the French, I decided to write something a little tamer. Something we can all relate to (or at least pretend to your mom that you can).  Most of us think that we study for hours upon hours. In reality, this is what is really happening.

1. Fuck

You question why you even took this course to begin with. You don’t really enjoy it. You think your teacher is slightly weird and creepy and worst of all there are no cute guys in your class. Not to mention your TA is a total prick who needs to get laid.

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2. You email people in your class for the notes

You’re a fuck up and didn’t go to your lectures. Or when you did, you mainly were sleeping or watching The Mindy Project.

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3. Someone sends the notes and you want to cry

Hope is not lost, because you now have 61 pages of pristine and colour coded notes.

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4. You make a little snackaroo

Something fried or chocolate or ice cream, because exam season is a free pass on eating like crap, having acne and unwashed hair.

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5. You get some tunes going

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And then realize it is not helping you study and turn them off.

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6. You sit down and write half a page

You really don’t remember learning about whatever is in the notes and are not sure how it applies to your current subject.

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7. You end up on Facebook

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It was a well-deserved break. You then check Snapchat too just to be sure you didn’t miss anything.

8. Your crush posts a story

And he’s with another girl. You consider stabbing yourself with your pencil. You fantasize about him visiting you in the hospital.

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9. You creep said girls Instagram

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And can’t explain why he’s with that horse.

11. You write another half a page

And then decide that you’ve spent a lot of time studying and should take a 10-minute break.

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12. You watch some Netflix to clear your mind

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13. You study

A full volume ding from your computer makes you shit your pants.

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14. It’s an email informing you that Kate Spade has a surprise sale

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And spend an hour on the site. Plus a half an hour calling your mom and inputting your credit card information to buy you both last seasons shit.

15. Your friend calls you up

And has some good gossip.

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You talk about the names you’re going to give to your children and the meaning of friendship.

16. Okay I legit need to study

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17. People are doing something fun (AKA DANGER ZONE)

Whether your hall mates are shotgunning beers and you join in or your friends suggest you take a “short” study break and end up on the pole at Tequila Jacks, entering this stage equals no return. Once you’re here, you my friend are fucked. No studying will happen.

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18. You check your GPA

Then calculate how high you need to score to pass.

19. You realize you can fail and still score the credit

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20. You go to bed

And sleep knowing if it all fails, you can just get a nose job and become a trophy wife.

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Good luck on your exams everyone. I on the other hand, after my one 25 multiple choice question exam, will be hitting the tanning salon and pretending that we’re getting the spring that we all deserve.

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– Adios bitches

 

True Story: I Called My Teacher A Bitch

So, I’m a first-year media production student in university. I would describe the current state of my life as Jesus please make this get better. I feel like I never went through the awkward tween face, so life is making it up for me now. It’s like I am a magnet for embarrassing or awkward moments. To the point where they don’t even bother me anymore. However, my most recent fuck up was just unfortunate and could easily have been prevented.

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So, I had an essay due. Well, it was past due. Like VERY past due. It was done a week before the deadline, I just kept poking at it for some goddamn reason *cough* anxiety *cough*. Finally, I was like, “Kelsea hand in the fucking essay please.” It was not getting better. In fact I was just making it worse and more complicated. So, I email my professor. This man is just a sweet old man. He’s like your grandpa that doesn’t creep you out or scare you. He’s nice. When we fail because no one goes to the lecture or cares, he sends us an email asking how he can change so we do better. He cares so much about the boring shit we’re forced to endure. He’s just a wholesome man.

My professor:

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So I send him this long email about how basically I’m a fuck up and a classic first-year student that managed her time poorly. After grovelling for him to mark my assignment I hit send. I then realized I SENT IT FROM MY BLOG EMAIL. Not my school one.

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I then was like it’s okay. It’s fine. Whatever. It says my full name and then thebitchwiththeblog. However, I realized that my tagline for every email at the end is, “adios bitch.”

ADIOS BITCH

Literally me: 

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So, my email ended with:

I would be grateful to receive part marks. 
Thanks so much                                                                                                                                    

Adios bitch 😉 

Yeah it had a winky face followed by a kissy face. So I looked around for any object that I could maybe I don’t know stab myself with, to you know speed up the process of dying from humiliation. Then just burst out laughing, because what type of dumbass sends their professor an email with the ending, “Adios bitch.” I blame my insomnia, but I also am just stupid and don’t double check things when it actually matters. It’s like my anxiety kicks in to fuck me over, then goes away when I need it.

Me to myself everyday: 

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So yeah, if you think you messed up at least you didn’t say “Adios bitch” to professor grandpa. I just hope my essay is good enough to make up for it.

Adios bitches 

 

What Your Major Says About You

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Some majors are just simply better than others. We know because we all read Maclean to see where our university landed (fuck you for not mentioning Ryerson by the way or media). Whether you go to try-hard socially awkward University of Toronto, or fucked off year 12 and ended up at Brock, the personalities are the same. Please be offended.

History Majors:

Smart degree, I’m sure it’s super useful. And no I don’t know how many people died in the Mexican American War. I didn’t even know they had a war.

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Undeclared Arts:

So you really just have no idea where you’re headed in life.

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Computer Science Kids:

Okay, like keep the CS kids in your good graces, because it’s possible that once Dyong Lyn Liu graduates, he’ll be rich as fuck and you’ll be able to overlook his lack of social skills, however, you guys need to calm your arrogance. Like you spend most of your life behind a computer screen and most of you will end up working at Bell as a tech support. Most of you went to prom alone. Most of you are so awkward talking to you in physically uncomfortable. Are you really going to talk down to me, because I choose not to understand Java? It’s boring as shit and no one wants to have a conversation about code. Also, shower more. Thank you.

Conversations with Comp Sci Kids:

When you say literally anything:

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You full on remembering them saying that they think they have a chance of getting at the next party laid:

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Pre Med:

I used to be friends with some of you.

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Drama:

This should be something you minor in. You guys are either cutthroat and scary (the ones who will be succesful) or like really nice and inclusive (community theatre is not a job).

Drama kids:

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Every other major: 

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Journalism:

Why did you go into a dying profession?

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Poli Science:

Why must you debate everything? Can I please just say one fucking sentence without you ripping into it? This isn’t the presidential election, it’s a conversation we’re shouting over loud music in a frat basement. Like half of the things I say are shit. Especially while drunk. I’m aware of it. Stop calling me out.

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Music:

Playing the cello should not be a university degree. Like I don’t even understand the end game here.

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Law:

Pretty typical and sane tbh. I plan on marrying one of you.

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Psychology:

You were like a meh student in high school but now think you understand the way everyone operates because you studied Freud for two seconds.

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NO YOU DON’T. You overcomplicate everything. I’m not upset, because of some weird psychological phenomenon. I’m upset because I’m on a low carb diet and just watched Blair got fucked over by the French prince Louis and I thought he was cute and didn’t see it coming. LOVE IS DEAD. That’s why I’m sad.

Mathematics:

You’re just a really boring person. Like do you guys have pulses? You’re devoid of creativity. It scares me.

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Nursing:

You decided not to be a doctor but will go through the torture of becoming a doctor to make less money and work shittier hours. You also complain constantly about how stressed out you are and your union is absolute shit. Why are you going through this? There’s a reason we all dress up like you for Halloween? Y’all are scary (and your work clothes are easy to make slutty).  I’m also never going to let any of you poke me with a needle before you get your degree. Even for free.

Every nurse for the rest of their life: 

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Creative Writing:

You enjoy not being able to feed yourself. You’re also a very insecure, dark and twisty, riddled with mental illness, and will write shit about people who piss you off.

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English majors:

What are you doing with your degree? Like at least the film kids have like a lifelong dream that they’re chasing. What does being an English Major entail? Why are you all so arrogant and think you’re so smart? Like no seven years old is like,”When I’m older I hope that I can spend my times reading Virginia Woolf and bringing up points that someone has already brought up fifty years ago.” You also all wear berets and carry around bags that look like you’re trying to be an outcast journalist from the 1950s.

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Except no one is cheering for you.

Film Kids:

You are not going to be the next Scorsese. You will probably switch careers. Stop being such a pretentious asshole. So what. If someone likes superhero movies, let them. If someone chooses to ignore good films, just quietly judge them and shit talk them behind their back. No one really cares about your opinions.

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They also just like ignore you even though they know you. You will assume it’s because they think they’re better than you, (they do think this) but it’s mainly because they’re as socially awkward as the computer science kids.

Engineering:

Mix-computer science kids with business kids. You’re all nerds and socially awkward but have now found your people so you’re now obnoxious little fucks that run around the campus covered in paint. I also don’t get why eng kids get rings. Like maybe from Waterloo, but I mean like the ones from Ryerson? Really?

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The Business Major:

Why are you all so intense? Like, fuck man. My conversations with you all stress me out.
Conference calls, galas, conferences you’re in university and you already sound like my dad. I know it’s competitive, but like it’s not that competitive. I remember when you used to have a life. I remember when we could go into public and it was not a networking opportunity. You guys are worse than the computer science kids, because you’re annoying, but also attractive, dress well, make a lot of money and make me sad about the general state of my life. FUCK YOU GUYS.

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Visual Arts: 

Pass the bong?

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So not to offend anyone, but there you have it in case you wondered what people think of you.